Twi—light my head on fire please! [Rude Review]


The following review is part of a new series we are trying to introduce on this website: Rude Reviews

Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 Review[EXPLICIT]

By: Cody Gillham

          When the first Twilight movie came out, and was a hit, I knew I had to see it only because you cannot truly make fun of a movie unless you see it. After seeing the first one I decided that I was not going to be seeing the rest so going into Breaking Dawn Pt. 2. I had no idea what was coming. One of the one hundred and fifty-nine things that bothered me about the first one was Kristen Stewart’s EMO-tionless face. Having far less facial expressions than a post-stroke Dick Clark, she droned through the first movie, and by the end you wanted to slap some emotion into her. Surprisingly in Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 she showed a little more range in her expressions, which I credit the director of Snow White and the Huntsman for “giving it” to her so good that it inspired her to express more.

          Basically the movie starts with Bella squirting out her vampire hell-spawn baby, which I do not know whether they explained it or not in the earlier movies, but how the fuck does a vampire get hard to have sex, then how does he produce sperm? How does a creature with no working heart get blood pumped to the dick? Anyways Bella dies after the delivery and becomes a vampire now. They have another dumb moment where she steps into the sunlight and starts sparkle like she’s covered in pixie jizz, just as they had with Edward in the first one. As the baby gets older and transitions into a pre-teen, shit happens and the vampire council dude, played by Michael Sheen, gathers his army to stop this child because of some past history of vamp kids. Then there is a final showdown between the council and the Cullen’s and their friends. There is a huge battle, that is actually quite good, but it turns out to be a vision of what would happen, which makes the whole end battle sequence fucking dumb. The vampire council dudes then leave and everyone lives happily ever after. There is a sappy flashback sequence at the end that shows moments from the past movies and was dumb.

          Of course Taylor Lautner took his shirt off many times, as contracted by the studio, or perhaps him. And something that I kept wondering about was why did all of the vampires have super powers like mind reading abilities, controlling the elements of the earth and producing electricity? It was like the movie Push, but with vampires. Anyways, “this movie was AWESOME.” A phrase uttered by only tweens, most females you meet, and dudes trying to impress a girl, a phrase NOT spoken by people who are able to think for themselves.

DVD/Bluray Special Features:

-       7-part Making of Documentary: WHO CARES????

-       Audio Commentary: If the movie wasn’t shitty enough before, now it’s even extra shitty YAY!!!!